Sadly, 14 people were stabbed yesterday at Lone Star College in Houston, Texas. These innocent people were the victims of knife violence. If fact, knives are more often used in violence than scary rifles. They are so terrible, they don’t even need a magazine to do harm.
We need knife control now. Where are the politicians? Where are the celebrities?! Someone get Crocodile Dundee on the phone, we need more PSAs!
What would knife control look like? For starters . . .
- We need more knife laws and signs. Let’s label all knife violence as hate crimes. No one needs a knife when nail clippers can pop tags just as easily. Put signs all over public places: “This establishment is a proud Knife Free Zone.”
- Have knife turn-in days at the local fire station. Because the gang banger with a heart of gold needs a safe zone to give up his weapons.
- Limit blade length For The Children™. Smaller blades are directly proportional to the amount of people stabbed.
- Only professional chefs should be allowed to have large knives. Utensils for cooking do not belong on the street. The only people who would own knives clearly intend to harm others with them. Remember, the scarier-looking the knife, the more deadly it is in any person’s hand. You don’t need a knife to eat an apple, you have teeth and fingernails.
- Government should fund multiple outreach programs to teach children and women how to scream in terror when they see a knife, but not how to properly pick one up or hand one to another person safely. Why would anyone collect knives? Or swords? Are you a samurai? You don’t need a sword. If you’re a parent with knives in the house, you are responsible for every act of knife violence. Ever.
- We need a list of people who own knives.
- We need to run background checks on every knife owner in America. Not to take away all knives, but because the list itself will prevent more knife violence.
- You shouldn’t flash pictures of knives in public either. That is dangerous. Someone might see a picture of a knife and be turned into a homicidal knifeman. We should shun children who sword fight with wrapping paper tubes as it teaches them that stabbing is okay.
When the founding fathers thought about knives, they really meant bayonets on muskets, and no one uses those anymore. Ergo, we don’t need knives. Anyone who belongs to a club that appreciates knives is barbaric and should be stabbed.
VP Biden advises that if you see a knife you should flail your arms wide and yell, “RACIST!” at your attacker. If you have a stick handy, poke at your attacker but be careful of the eyes.
I heard some Republican Senators might filibuster any proposed knife laws, but we all know women cannot be trusted with knives and Republicans secretly hate children.
And don’t forget, our glorious leader once said “If they bring a knife to a fight, we bring a gun.”
